I had always considered Richard Dawkins to be kind of an adversary, someone who came along to take all the fun out of everything. But I was watching a documentary a few weeks ago and Dawkins appeared and said something that changed my mind. It wasn’t what he said or that it was Richard Dawkins. It was a catalyst that made me go “Oh, wait” and then everything snapped into place.

There’s a scene in one of the Hitchhiker’s books where a young woman suddenly has an idea for world peace that just might work, but the Vogons destroy Earth before she can tell anyone. That’s how I felt. In this case, the Vogons were represented by the realization that I had my answer, not The Answer. Again, language is the problem. Whatever I try to explain will just become your interpretation and not my answer. It only means something to me. It is useless to anyone else.

I realized that the questions I had been asking weren’t the wrong questions. But the real question was “Why am I asking this?” And that’s not really the most accurate way to put it. Perhaps I should say “What mechanism must exist to make it possible that I can formulate this idea?” My questions were already biased because they were American questions, human questions. What if I asked inhuman questions? What if I tried to peer through a crack at the edge of my vision? What I saw was so simple that it sounds ridiculous to even say. But it was also horrific to my sensibilities, leading to statements that I know I cannot utter in this society.

These insights haven’t made anything “better” for me. I feel a weird peace about certain things, but I don’t feel settled. I don’t think I am meant to.

I bet having an almost nonexistent snake nose has its advantages. Probably not as many sinus issues.

I finally went in to an allergist the other day to say if I might have a food or environment allergy. After describing my symptoms, he said that although the $750 allergy test might reveal some sensitivities, he didn’t think my problem was allergy related. He described an affliction called non-allergic rhinitis and it fit pretty much with what I was experiencing. It is a mysterious ailment with allergy-like symptoms but unknown causes. Unfortunately, there is no cure. There is a treatment, however.

He prescribed some inexpensive nasal sprays to try for a few months. I already feel the difference, though they have some side effects like a bad taste in my mouth and dryness. One of the sprays smells like flowers. The doctor said I would probably need to use the sprays forever. I’ve also started using a neti pot, which helps.

In attempting to ease my suffering, some other issues have come to light. Now that my nasal passages are more clear, I’ve realized that the feeling of congestion is caused by my deviated septum. At some point I will probably get septoplasty and have that corrected so I can breathe through both nostrils more easily.

I’ve also been getting tonsil stones which are these bits of white calcified junk stuck to the back of my throat. The drainage in my throat was probably contributing to the tonsil stones, but so has caffeine, dairy products and bread. Hopefully the combination of the nasal sprays, neti pot and making some dietary adjustments will make the stones go away. It is either that or have my tonsils removed.